I don’t get on with water

I’ve done my fair share of do it yourself over the years and can turn my hand to most things, a bit of joinery here, a bit of electric work there and even the odd bid of building work out in the garden. But water and I just don’t get on.  If ever I have to do any plumbing it’s time to give me a wide berth and cover your ears because it’s all going to go badly wrong, it’s all going to get a bit messy.

I’ve lost count of the number of times that I have flooded various parts of the house either through ill fitted parts, bent olives or just careless work.  Believe me, I can find any water pipe in the house with a drill and the high pitched hiss and drip drip provide the back drop to my plumbing adventures, the heartbeat sounds of my DIY nightmares.

I have refitted the kitchen with new benches, cupboards and even a new sink and appliances.  Everything went fine until somehow I managed to pierce one of the central heating pipes that was hidden just beneath the plaster on one of the walls, a metre up from the floor. Who would have thought it?  I ruined my wife’s birthday by asking her to hold a small plastic bucket to catch the water while I rushed off for the required parts to repair the leak.

When I fitted a new toilet, basin shower and screen in the small bathroom I managed to do the same but this time the pipe was just under the floorboards and nowhere near the radiator.  Who would have thought it?  This resulted in water appearing through the ceiling in the hall downstairs but fortunately this time I had the parts to hand.  I now always carry some end caps in varying sizes which I can slip over the end of a burst pipe when the inevitable happens.

When I went to replace the radiator in the other bathroom, I hadn’t realised that the bore was a much smaller size than I was used to, resulting in a spectacular flood which managed to cause the cooker hood downstairs to come away from the wall, destroying the cooker in the process. Was I popular that day?

The introduction of plastic pipes with push fit connections has helped me enormously but still has not managed to avert disaster.  When replacing the toilet and cistern, again upstairs, I used plastic pipes and all seemed fine at first.  But I hadn’t secured the toilet to the floor properly (for fear of drilling through a heating pipe) and its movement eventually lead to the in-flow pipe coming loose.  I was out of the house at the time and had a manic twenty mile drive to get home to find everything in chaos and my wife cursing the day that water and I had ever met.

Now my shower has stopped working and I’m going to have to do something about it.  I’ve given you fair warning, I’ve got my toolbox ready, so gather up the kitchen roll and dry towels and cover your ears, it’s going to get a bit messy.